I've just finished a very low-key, well-adjusted book concerning the college process that is a wonderful antidote to the frantic "win-at-any-cost" college books out there. It's called College Admission Together: It Takes a Family, by Steven Roy Goodman & Andrea Leiman. Unlike nearly every other book out there, it focuses on the family dynamic as students and parents approach the college years. I think if more parents read this book they'd get what we counselors are trying to tell them when we say "Take it easy."
The authors make a point of combining college process information with observations about what's happening in teens' lives as college looms. They ask parents to take stock of their children's changes and look into their own attitudes in order to make the fact of eventual separation as smooth and productive as possible. Within the many stressors of high school and pre-college life, the authors find ways to create positive moments when parents and their children can communicate better and learn more about each other.
If you're a college counselor, you know the frustration of working with parents who seem to have no idea about what their children really want or who they are. These parents insist on particular colleges for their children, or insist that you have to "chase after" Johnny to complete his applications or evern meet with you. You'll see these parents in this book but not as caricatures or objects of derision, simply as people for whom the process can be as stressful as it is for their children. It's an understanding and even compassionate book for that.
As I read the book I heard many things I've suggested to parents over the years--take a breath, listen more than talk to you child, step back and see him/her as a developing adult, and so on. Often these suggestions fell on deaf ears. Seeing it all in print can often be helpful and this book could be a great tool to get parents to look at themselves without a counselor's being the one to deliver the sometimes unwelcome news.
The book is mercifully free of simplistic remedies for things like procrastination although abundant with simple methods for dealing with them. If putting things off is a problem with your teen, review the coming week's calendar every Sunday evening; not only can college tasks be outlined, but you and your child can think ahead about other things as well at a time that's not full of anxiety and that, perhaps, comes on the heels of a day relaxing.
It's nice to read a book that doesn't have an undercurrent of frantic striving to it. College Admissions Together takes a broad view of a turbulent time in a family's life and lets you see it's possible to ride the wave and come out nicely on the far side. I recommend it highly.
Showing posts with label college panic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college panic. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
The More Things Change...
Acceptance and rejection letters are out for this year and the usual articles about how it's never been harder to get into college and so on have been coming out like crocuses at the first sign of spring. As I've noted before, this isn't really news, it's just a repeat of articles from the last 10 years with different numbers, and of course we always have the details of rejected or waitlisted students being astonished that they didn't get into their "dream" schools, how much the pressure is getting to them, and so on. Focusing on colleges and universities whose acceptance rates seem to be approaching zero, the ultimate exclusivity (not may idea--see Doonesbury from a few years ago), media make it seem as though legions of rejected students will soon be roaming the streets in their ragged cardigans, homeless shades doomed to walk the earth without any cozy campus to call their own.
Of course, this is nowhere near the real picture. Just about everyone who applies to college will get in somewhere; quite a few colleges even (mid-April 2008) now are still accepting applications. The whole thing is only a problem if you care very deeply about where you attend and think that if you don't go there your life is somehow ruined, destroyed, or otherwise diverted from its true course and flowering, all of which is nonsense.
A colleague and I were talking the other evening about our own college research and application processes, laughing at our callow approach to the whole thing. She and I are contemporaries, so we're talking about the early 70s, before the whole thing got really out of hand. We were both clueless, to be honest, even though we were both good students. I was head of my class at a large public high school in Chester, NJ, which offered honors but no AP classes that I can recall (not a big thing then), and I did well in the honors track, although to this day I consider calculus my mortal enemy. I had what today would be considered so-so SAT scores (no I'm not telling, although to my chagrin I still know them), and a decent although not spectacular career in the chorus and the theater group. I also worked part-time at the local pharmacy, working the counter and making deliveries all over the area.
When college came on the horizon late in my junior year (although my family always told me I could go anywhere I wanted when the time came), we had no special seminars, no offers of essay help, no test prep, no piles of glossy viewbooks, no "college counselor." I figured I'd apply to Harvard and Yale simply because my uncle, whom I greatly admired, had attended the former and taught at the latter; I briefly considered Tufts, my father's alma mater, but since he was an engineer I thought it was a school for engineers, so I dismissed it. There was no "strategizing" to it; I was just going with what I knew.
One day, going by my guidance counselor's office, I heard him call to me and ask what I was thinking about college. I told him, and he said that was fine, but had I ever considered a small liberal arts college? I asked what that was and he said a good place to get an education but smaller than a university. That seemed fine to me so I asked him to name a few. "Well, Amherst, for example," he replied. I'd never heard of it, but I was willing to check it out.
I don't remember what I knew about Amherst (it wasn't much) before I got on the Peter Pan bus in New York for the four hour ride to Amherst, MA later in the summer, but when I got off in the town center, I swooned at the New England charm and the compact yet spacious Amherst College campus. I thought, "This is what college should look like!" I walked around by myself, coming without warning on the spectacular view of the Pioneer Valley from Memorial Hill, after which I was completely overcome with desire. I dropped in on the admission office, which at the time was tucked away in the main administration building. I was smitten without having seen a student, professor, or admission office person. I asked about interviews. I didn't need one, I was told; by the time I returned to New Jersey, I was ready to apply.
The time came and I applied to Harvard, Yale, and, at random, Ithaca College in upstate New York. I applied to Amherst early decision, still intoxicated with the thought of lounging on that hill, or simply being there, reading, surrounded by nature. Hell, even the trees seemed intelligent. I wanted to ingest it all. But once the applications were in I went on with the rest of my high school life. (I don't remember what I wrote my essays on, but I do remember that I didn't get any help that I recall. My mother may have given them a quick read, but not much else--no English teacher or counselor help.)
Ithaca accepted me almost immediately, it seems to me. Harvard and Yale turned me down, which was OK by me, especially when I recalled my "group interview" at a Yale's alum's home. A group of applicants sat around a table and an admission person spoke with us after we had each had a chance to speak with one of the Yale alums who had gathered for the occasion. The home was elegantly appointed, perhaps even lavish; it seemed like a mansion to me and it made me uncomfortable. But what I really remember is the girl who said, "I understand Yale has a burgeoning film department." I made a face, probably, groaning inside at her pretentious use of a big word to impress the dean. It was then I decided I didn't want to go to Yale, although I learned a new word that day.
Amherst deferred me, making my guidance counselor, David Boelhouwer, crazy. He couldn't understand it and called to see what had happened. Turns out, you did need an interview if you applied ED and lived within 250 miles of campus. He managed to wrangle an interview for me over the Christmas break with the Dean himself, the legendary Ed Wall. I went back to campus, courtesy of my aunt, who drove me out from Acton MA in a snowfall and waited while I had my session. I remember being disappointed that Dean Wall didn't ask me anything about my grades or accomplishments; instead he asked what I was reading and I told him The Wheel of Love, a story collection by Joyce Carol Oates. We talked about that. What was even more frustrating was that I didn't even like the book, and during the whole interview I could see the snow coming down harder and harder and the light fading and it was a long way back to Boston.
Afterwards, Dean Wall took my puny hand in his massive bear grasp and told me it was nice to meet me. Despite my disappointment, I stopped at Hastings in town and bought an Amherst sweatshirt, which I resolved not to wear unless I got in. My aunt picked me up and we drove back to the Boston suburbs.
The day I got into Amherst was the only day in my school life that I cut a class. My mother, who had been in a terrible auto accident over New Year's 1973, had needed a nurse during the day, and I would take over when I got home. Consequently I was able to have a car at school. When the letter arrived, she called the school and I got called to the office. She wanted to open it. At first I said yes, then changed my mind. I rushed out of school, hopped into our VW Bug and zoomed home, where I found the acceptance letter. I celebrated a bit with my mother, ran upstairs and put on the sweatshirt, and raced back to school, in time to catch the end of my German class. Mrs. Kerekes, a stern but fair Hungarian, started to scold me, but when she saw the sweatshirt, she started beaming, and all was forgiven.
So I got to Amherst, but here's the punchline--to this day I don't think I even knew that Amherst was all male until I actually got to campus. (It went co-end in 1976, one of the last schools of its kind to do so.) My whole experience of college search and application was a fluke arising from a casual comment by my counselor. I'm sure that if he'd said "Williams" or "Union" or "Hamilton" or "Calcutta" I'd be one of their alums today. Total chance. And I'm also convinced that I owe Joyce Carol Oates credit for my admission. Even today I feel guilty about not reading everything she writes (which would, of course, be impossible for a mortal with only 24 hours a day to read...)
So back to my colleague and me sitting in an Irish pub in downtown Chicago. Her story, in its similar lack of focus on "getting into" a particular college, is very similar to mine. And yet, here we were, laughing at our ignorance and marveling at the fact that we managed pretty well in spite of it, having survived and even prospered. Our lives are good, our work fulfills us, and we have good memories of our alma maters. Yet they were accidents! When I see today's high school students sweating, and planning, and conniving, and arranging their lives so they'll "stand out" starting even before high school, I have to wonder what it is they're really doing. It's not a bad thing to want to go to a particular place, but, let's be honest, it doesn't really matter where you go to college. The important thing is what you do once you're there.
I can already hear you saying, "Well, but what about the contacts, the smart kids who attend, the best professors, and so on?" I still say, it makes no difference, and to fret about it is a stress that's totally unnecessary. The contacts you make in one place are different but the same as in another--you find the people you need to find no matter where you are. You attend classes or not, you party or not, you start becoming an adult or not, no matter where you are. And with acceptance rates below 10 percent, those big deal colleges are doing other schools a favor by making sure they have a good supply of smart kids who end up fanning out all over the country. So do yourselves a favor and think that you could probably do just as well applying to colleges randomly as you could trying to predict and insure every element.
In the long run, we can't control what will happen no matter what we do or how much we'd like to. Why should applying to college be any different? The students with the least stress were the ones who came to my office and said, "You know, I think I'll be happy wherever I go." As the Chinese say, "Be careful how you travel or you may end up where you expected to." That's the spirit!
Of course, this is nowhere near the real picture. Just about everyone who applies to college will get in somewhere; quite a few colleges even (mid-April 2008) now are still accepting applications. The whole thing is only a problem if you care very deeply about where you attend and think that if you don't go there your life is somehow ruined, destroyed, or otherwise diverted from its true course and flowering, all of which is nonsense.
A colleague and I were talking the other evening about our own college research and application processes, laughing at our callow approach to the whole thing. She and I are contemporaries, so we're talking about the early 70s, before the whole thing got really out of hand. We were both clueless, to be honest, even though we were both good students. I was head of my class at a large public high school in Chester, NJ, which offered honors but no AP classes that I can recall (not a big thing then), and I did well in the honors track, although to this day I consider calculus my mortal enemy. I had what today would be considered so-so SAT scores (no I'm not telling, although to my chagrin I still know them), and a decent although not spectacular career in the chorus and the theater group. I also worked part-time at the local pharmacy, working the counter and making deliveries all over the area.
When college came on the horizon late in my junior year (although my family always told me I could go anywhere I wanted when the time came), we had no special seminars, no offers of essay help, no test prep, no piles of glossy viewbooks, no "college counselor." I figured I'd apply to Harvard and Yale simply because my uncle, whom I greatly admired, had attended the former and taught at the latter; I briefly considered Tufts, my father's alma mater, but since he was an engineer I thought it was a school for engineers, so I dismissed it. There was no "strategizing" to it; I was just going with what I knew.
One day, going by my guidance counselor's office, I heard him call to me and ask what I was thinking about college. I told him, and he said that was fine, but had I ever considered a small liberal arts college? I asked what that was and he said a good place to get an education but smaller than a university. That seemed fine to me so I asked him to name a few. "Well, Amherst, for example," he replied. I'd never heard of it, but I was willing to check it out.
I don't remember what I knew about Amherst (it wasn't much) before I got on the Peter Pan bus in New York for the four hour ride to Amherst, MA later in the summer, but when I got off in the town center, I swooned at the New England charm and the compact yet spacious Amherst College campus. I thought, "This is what college should look like!" I walked around by myself, coming without warning on the spectacular view of the Pioneer Valley from Memorial Hill, after which I was completely overcome with desire. I dropped in on the admission office, which at the time was tucked away in the main administration building. I was smitten without having seen a student, professor, or admission office person. I asked about interviews. I didn't need one, I was told; by the time I returned to New Jersey, I was ready to apply.
The time came and I applied to Harvard, Yale, and, at random, Ithaca College in upstate New York. I applied to Amherst early decision, still intoxicated with the thought of lounging on that hill, or simply being there, reading, surrounded by nature. Hell, even the trees seemed intelligent. I wanted to ingest it all. But once the applications were in I went on with the rest of my high school life. (I don't remember what I wrote my essays on, but I do remember that I didn't get any help that I recall. My mother may have given them a quick read, but not much else--no English teacher or counselor help.)
Ithaca accepted me almost immediately, it seems to me. Harvard and Yale turned me down, which was OK by me, especially when I recalled my "group interview" at a Yale's alum's home. A group of applicants sat around a table and an admission person spoke with us after we had each had a chance to speak with one of the Yale alums who had gathered for the occasion. The home was elegantly appointed, perhaps even lavish; it seemed like a mansion to me and it made me uncomfortable. But what I really remember is the girl who said, "I understand Yale has a burgeoning film department." I made a face, probably, groaning inside at her pretentious use of a big word to impress the dean. It was then I decided I didn't want to go to Yale, although I learned a new word that day.
Amherst deferred me, making my guidance counselor, David Boelhouwer, crazy. He couldn't understand it and called to see what had happened. Turns out, you did need an interview if you applied ED and lived within 250 miles of campus. He managed to wrangle an interview for me over the Christmas break with the Dean himself, the legendary Ed Wall. I went back to campus, courtesy of my aunt, who drove me out from Acton MA in a snowfall and waited while I had my session. I remember being disappointed that Dean Wall didn't ask me anything about my grades or accomplishments; instead he asked what I was reading and I told him The Wheel of Love, a story collection by Joyce Carol Oates. We talked about that. What was even more frustrating was that I didn't even like the book, and during the whole interview I could see the snow coming down harder and harder and the light fading and it was a long way back to Boston.
Afterwards, Dean Wall took my puny hand in his massive bear grasp and told me it was nice to meet me. Despite my disappointment, I stopped at Hastings in town and bought an Amherst sweatshirt, which I resolved not to wear unless I got in. My aunt picked me up and we drove back to the Boston suburbs.
The day I got into Amherst was the only day in my school life that I cut a class. My mother, who had been in a terrible auto accident over New Year's 1973, had needed a nurse during the day, and I would take over when I got home. Consequently I was able to have a car at school. When the letter arrived, she called the school and I got called to the office. She wanted to open it. At first I said yes, then changed my mind. I rushed out of school, hopped into our VW Bug and zoomed home, where I found the acceptance letter. I celebrated a bit with my mother, ran upstairs and put on the sweatshirt, and raced back to school, in time to catch the end of my German class. Mrs. Kerekes, a stern but fair Hungarian, started to scold me, but when she saw the sweatshirt, she started beaming, and all was forgiven.
So I got to Amherst, but here's the punchline--to this day I don't think I even knew that Amherst was all male until I actually got to campus. (It went co-end in 1976, one of the last schools of its kind to do so.) My whole experience of college search and application was a fluke arising from a casual comment by my counselor. I'm sure that if he'd said "Williams" or "Union" or "Hamilton" or "Calcutta" I'd be one of their alums today. Total chance. And I'm also convinced that I owe Joyce Carol Oates credit for my admission. Even today I feel guilty about not reading everything she writes (which would, of course, be impossible for a mortal with only 24 hours a day to read...)
So back to my colleague and me sitting in an Irish pub in downtown Chicago. Her story, in its similar lack of focus on "getting into" a particular college, is very similar to mine. And yet, here we were, laughing at our ignorance and marveling at the fact that we managed pretty well in spite of it, having survived and even prospered. Our lives are good, our work fulfills us, and we have good memories of our alma maters. Yet they were accidents! When I see today's high school students sweating, and planning, and conniving, and arranging their lives so they'll "stand out" starting even before high school, I have to wonder what it is they're really doing. It's not a bad thing to want to go to a particular place, but, let's be honest, it doesn't really matter where you go to college. The important thing is what you do once you're there.
I can already hear you saying, "Well, but what about the contacts, the smart kids who attend, the best professors, and so on?" I still say, it makes no difference, and to fret about it is a stress that's totally unnecessary. The contacts you make in one place are different but the same as in another--you find the people you need to find no matter where you are. You attend classes or not, you party or not, you start becoming an adult or not, no matter where you are. And with acceptance rates below 10 percent, those big deal colleges are doing other schools a favor by making sure they have a good supply of smart kids who end up fanning out all over the country. So do yourselves a favor and think that you could probably do just as well applying to colleges randomly as you could trying to predict and insure every element.
In the long run, we can't control what will happen no matter what we do or how much we'd like to. Why should applying to college be any different? The students with the least stress were the ones who came to my office and said, "You know, I think I'll be happy wherever I go." As the Chinese say, "Be careful how you travel or you may end up where you expected to." That's the spirit!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Footsteps in the Hall: The College Admission Process as Existential Crisis
[NOTE: This essay was published in the Journal of College Admission, January, 2008)
The college admission process puts adolescents in a bind: it asks them to observe and evaluate themselves before theyҀve had a chance to develop a consistent sense of who they are. At a time when theyҀve been trying on personalities and exploring the world of adulthood in an effort to establish an identity, theyҀre suddenly asked to manufacture one to the vague yet compelling specifications that colleges impose upon them. They are evaluated, measured and sorted by mysterious strangers, and asked to be ӀauthenticԀ in an entirely inauthentic situation. Just as threatening, they are asked to submit to what Jean-Paul Sartre calls Ӏthe Gaze,Ԁ a pitiless stare that tears them out of themselves and forces them to ӀactԀ instead of Ӏbe.Ԁ As a result, adolescents now go through an existential crisis of identity well before theyҀre ready for it or even realize itҀs happening.
The existential moment may come for most of us in our forties or so. We have enough experience to look back at life and wonder if thereҀs been any purpose to it or if who weҀve become is the person we actually are. Usually married, well into a career, with children and possessions to anchor us, we may face a sudden death, loss of a job, or other crisis that forces us to confront how weҀve defined ourselves. We may feel directionless, hollow, and cynical, unable to hold on to the things we once thought important. The film American Beauty illustrates this condition particularly well. Kevin SpaceyҀs character, Lester Burnham, goes into free fall realizing that, although heҀs done everything according to the rules, heҀs Ӏlost something,Ԁ even though heҀs not sure what it is. He feels his life disintegrating: His marriage is cold, his job banal, and his daughter a stranger to him. The world has become artificial and he sees himself as simply an actor in a particularly bad play, not as a human being. The adolescent struggling with a college application hasnҀt even voted yet, but is being asked to be an actor before having become a fully integrated self.
Role Reversal
In the past, the college admission process was primarily functional and had little to do with identity development. It was simply the mechanism to reach the next step in oneҀs education. Through the seventies and early to mid-80s, even as the number of students applying to and attending college rose significantly, the procedure was relatively simple: Most colleges drew from their geographic regions, most students didnҀt go much farther than 250 miles or so from home, and there was less concern about competition to get into the ӀbestԀ colleges. Teens took their high school courses, took their tests, and took their chances, filing a few applications and going where they were accepted. The idea of planning years ahead so one could get into a particular type of college or even a particular college was little known. An application rose or fell on oneҀs history, the day-to-day decisions and activities pursued in high school. Choices were made on the basis of interests and needs that had to do with the studentҀs immediate concerns. Those choices were ӀauthenticԀ in a Sartrean sense: They were immediate and not calculated, essential to the adolescentҀs Ӏself.Ԁ Students participated fully in activities and developed their personalities and characters as they went along; college followed out of these choices.
The college process today turns adolescent development on its head, creating an existential dilemma well before high school students are prepared to handle it. Rather than resulting from authentic life decisions, it dictates them, forcing students into an ӀinauthenticityԀ that separates them from their own lives. They learn theyҀre supposed to take AP courses, be president of a winning Model U.N. club, and do significant community service, so thatҀs what they do, even if they have no genuine interest in those activities. (One current book even suggests that students who play the violin find time to play in nursing homes so they can look more compassionate.) They become cardboard cutouts and assume that others are as well.
ӀAuthenticityԀ as a Challenge
Up until this point, even in todayҀs competitive environment, adolescents (with many precocious exceptions, of course) may see their lives as confusing and chaotic but not necessarily Ӏinauthentic.Ԁ ThereҀs an immediacy to what they do even if itҀs a short-term commitment. They live essentially and for the moment. As adults we see this when our children do impulsive or reckless things: TheyҀre fully in the moment, not considering the long-term consequences of their behavior. The college application process, however, asks them to reach a conclusion before theyҀve had a chance to have a Ӏbeing.Ԁ TheyҀre asked to define themselves before theyҀre capable of doing so, bringing on a crisis that challenges their sense of who they are. When Lester Burnham is asked by a consultant to write out a job description (read Ӏcollege essayԀ) for himself he realizes his days at the magazine are numbered. Being forced to contemplate himself sends him over the edge. Asked to do so by colleges, adolescents struggle with the same angst and see the same blankness.
The college admission process tears adolescents out of an environment of relative certainty and throws them into a confusing arena that has no clear boundaries. They are suddenly asked to sum up their lives, to construct a consistent personhood they have yet to develop, and to consider themselves in the context of a larger world they have yet to fully understand. In the process they lose the authenticity of simply ӀbeingԀ who they are and become ӀperformersԀ of parts they have not yet fully developed. Like nearly all the characters in American Beauty, they must present artificially constructed lives to the world, rather than their own realities, in order to be ӀsuccessfulԀ: LesterҀs wife Carolyn is a real estate agent who has to psych herself up to meet clients (ӀI will sell this house today!Ԁ) and ӀperformԀ for her biggest rival; Ricky, the boy next door, pretends to be Ӏan upstanding young citizen with a respectable jobԀ so he can carry on his profitable drug dealing; RickyҀs father disguises his attraction to men with a brute military bearing; and so on. Even high school girl Angela (Mina Suvari), who seems in touch with her sexual power and even her reputation as the school ӀslutԀ is only playing a role to disguise her insecurity. (Anecdotally, IҀve noticed that college freshmen are often attracted to the works of Ayn Rand. I used to wonder about that until I realized that RandҀs exaltation of individual identity and fidelity to oneself is the perfect antidote to the Sartrean dilemma.)
The Dilemma of Being Looked At
All of these characters, like our adolescent college applicant, are caught in Ӏthe GazeԀ of others, another element of existential anxiety. Consciousness of the ӀOtherԀ prevents us from having genuine interactions, whether those others are potential home buyers or admission officers. Becoming subject to Ӏthe Gaze,Ԁ of the college admission process, adolescentsҀ ӀpersonhoodԀ is disfigured. No longer able to be Ӏauthentic,Ԁ they create a shell for those Others, becoming ӀobjectsԀ and not authentic persons.
Sartre illustrated this quandary in Being and Nothingness. He describes a man peering intently through a keyhole at some (presumably salacious) activity in the room beyond. His intense curiosity focuses his entire being on what heҀs doing׀he has no consciousness of his ӀselfԀ but simply is that self. For those moments he is entirely ӀauthenticԀ (think of how we feel when we are completely involved in an activity we love). Suddenly, however, the man hears footsteps in the hall. He becomes conscious of another person as well as himself spying on the roomҀs occupants and now sees himself acting as well as actually acting. He is embarrassed, aware of the implications of what heҀs doing, worried about the other personҀs reactions to what heҀs doing, and so on. He stumbles as he rises, straightens his clothes and tries to act ӀnormalԀ but has lost the ability to do so. Even the phrase Ӏtrying to act normalԀ implies that he canҀt really be his normal self. To the inadvertent observer (the Gaze), the man at the keyhole is Ӏacting,Ԁ not Ӏbeing.Ԁ His equilibrium has been upset and he cannot function as Ӏhimself.Ԁ He is torn from his personhood and left in a kind of purgatory of uncertainty.
Looking for the ӀGenuineԀ Applicant
The college admission process has become those footsteps, seriously undermining adolescentsҀ sense of self by demanding that they ӀactԀ instead of Ӏbe.Ԁ Students submit to the Gaze and twist themselves in knots under its power. It causes adolescents (and those with a stake in their success) to forsake their ӀauthenticԀ selves in order to create a persona that will be acceptable to those mysterious observers. This situation gives rise to a particularly poignant irony: Colleges, saying they want ӀgenuineԀ or ӀauthenticԀ students, guarantee that they will get exactly the opposite. The stage is set for the artificially enhanced super-student who feels compelled to do whatҀs necessary to gain admission to a particular school or group of schools instead of doing what engages him and insisting that colleges judge him accordingly. Their lives become ӀconstructedԀ instead of organic, less and less in touch with a reality they can readily recognize. By the time they are accepted to college theyҀre living a life like Lester and Carolyn BurnhamҀs, Ӏan advertisement for ourselves,Ԁ and not a reality.
Holding Yourself Together
High school students thus become ӀinauthenticԀ at an early age, a situation Sartre also calls living in Ӏbad faith.Ԁ They not only have to develop their identities, they have to be aware of themselves doing so. Appeals to Ӏlive in the momentԀ and Ӏenjoy what youҀre doingԀ in order to be accepted by a college fall on deaf ears because they know they need to do certain things and not others to Ӏsucceed.Ԁ Is it any wonder that cynicism and ironic detachment follow? Students have succumbed to the power of the Gaze and in doing so have sacrificed their authentic lives. Worse, adolescents often end up negating their own being and desires to achieve something that may or may not be in their best interests. This is more than just doing what oneҀs parents want, itҀs an active denial of oneҀs one authentic existence. Knowing all this on some level, they become like Lester at forty: cynical, sarcastic, and unable to inhabit themselves fully.
In the process of acting for others rather than being for themselves, adolescents also become dependent upon the Gaze because itҀs what holds them together. Applying to college implies that there is a meaning to what theyҀve done so far in life, yet dependence on the Gaze turns them into people who cannot embrace the freedom to explore, discover, and take chances. They become objects, subservient to the will of others, just as the servant at the keyhole is subservient to the one who discovers him, and therefore unable to truly Ӏbe themselves.Ԁ Lester BurnhamҀs slavish obsession with the adolescent AngelaҀs ӀGazeԀ is an adult case in point: His attraction to her and his consciousness of her consciousness of him permanently disables his ability to act rationally, leading to his death at the end of the film.
The Process and Its Products
Students going through this process think less about authenticity than they do about being accepted and looking good to admission deans. Yet it does several things that are antithetical to healthy adolescent development: It creates a situation where oneҀs ӀselfԀ must be defined before it has been truly developed. It also puts that ӀselfԀ at the mercy of others, forcing the adolescent to create an artificial rather than authentic self, leading to a feeling of acting rather than being.
We wonder why there seem to be more problems on college campuses with binge drinking, casual sex, studying, and relationships in general. While one canҀt blame the college admission process for what is largely part of a social and cultural phenomenon that crosses many boundaries, one can see the whole process as a shock to the system: Adolescents previously fully involved in creating their own being are suddenly asked to create a ӀbeingԀ that can be gazed at before theyҀre ready. This acute self-consciousness, like that of the man at the keyhole, deforms their ability to behave unselfconsciously. They arrive at college not having a sense of themselves as integrated individuals, but as constructs that hold together only as long as they are Ӏseen.Ԁ As a result, they look for ways to assert themselves meaningfully, to fill the emptiness of that construct. Unfortunately, that includes surrendering to the intensities of sex, drinking, drugs, and dangerous ӀextremeԀ behavior, all of which can be seen as attempts to re-experience a time when each moment was unique and for them alone. Thinking again about American Beauty, one can see how the sudden realization of emptiness, of having lived for the Gaze instead of for oneself, might put adolescents on the brink of despair. Deprived of a meaningful life in high school, they try to fill the void and reestablish that meaning, a situation Sartre and Lester Burnham understood all too well.
The college admission process puts adolescents in a bind: it asks them to observe and evaluate themselves before theyҀve had a chance to develop a consistent sense of who they are. At a time when theyҀve been trying on personalities and exploring the world of adulthood in an effort to establish an identity, theyҀre suddenly asked to manufacture one to the vague yet compelling specifications that colleges impose upon them. They are evaluated, measured and sorted by mysterious strangers, and asked to be ӀauthenticԀ in an entirely inauthentic situation. Just as threatening, they are asked to submit to what Jean-Paul Sartre calls Ӏthe Gaze,Ԁ a pitiless stare that tears them out of themselves and forces them to ӀactԀ instead of Ӏbe.Ԁ As a result, adolescents now go through an existential crisis of identity well before theyҀre ready for it or even realize itҀs happening.
The existential moment may come for most of us in our forties or so. We have enough experience to look back at life and wonder if thereҀs been any purpose to it or if who weҀve become is the person we actually are. Usually married, well into a career, with children and possessions to anchor us, we may face a sudden death, loss of a job, or other crisis that forces us to confront how weҀve defined ourselves. We may feel directionless, hollow, and cynical, unable to hold on to the things we once thought important. The film American Beauty illustrates this condition particularly well. Kevin SpaceyҀs character, Lester Burnham, goes into free fall realizing that, although heҀs done everything according to the rules, heҀs Ӏlost something,Ԁ even though heҀs not sure what it is. He feels his life disintegrating: His marriage is cold, his job banal, and his daughter a stranger to him. The world has become artificial and he sees himself as simply an actor in a particularly bad play, not as a human being. The adolescent struggling with a college application hasnҀt even voted yet, but is being asked to be an actor before having become a fully integrated self.
Role Reversal
In the past, the college admission process was primarily functional and had little to do with identity development. It was simply the mechanism to reach the next step in oneҀs education. Through the seventies and early to mid-80s, even as the number of students applying to and attending college rose significantly, the procedure was relatively simple: Most colleges drew from their geographic regions, most students didnҀt go much farther than 250 miles or so from home, and there was less concern about competition to get into the ӀbestԀ colleges. Teens took their high school courses, took their tests, and took their chances, filing a few applications and going where they were accepted. The idea of planning years ahead so one could get into a particular type of college or even a particular college was little known. An application rose or fell on oneҀs history, the day-to-day decisions and activities pursued in high school. Choices were made on the basis of interests and needs that had to do with the studentҀs immediate concerns. Those choices were ӀauthenticԀ in a Sartrean sense: They were immediate and not calculated, essential to the adolescentҀs Ӏself.Ԁ Students participated fully in activities and developed their personalities and characters as they went along; college followed out of these choices.
The college process today turns adolescent development on its head, creating an existential dilemma well before high school students are prepared to handle it. Rather than resulting from authentic life decisions, it dictates them, forcing students into an ӀinauthenticityԀ that separates them from their own lives. They learn theyҀre supposed to take AP courses, be president of a winning Model U.N. club, and do significant community service, so thatҀs what they do, even if they have no genuine interest in those activities. (One current book even suggests that students who play the violin find time to play in nursing homes so they can look more compassionate.) They become cardboard cutouts and assume that others are as well.
ӀAuthenticityԀ as a Challenge
Up until this point, even in todayҀs competitive environment, adolescents (with many precocious exceptions, of course) may see their lives as confusing and chaotic but not necessarily Ӏinauthentic.Ԁ ThereҀs an immediacy to what they do even if itҀs a short-term commitment. They live essentially and for the moment. As adults we see this when our children do impulsive or reckless things: TheyҀre fully in the moment, not considering the long-term consequences of their behavior. The college application process, however, asks them to reach a conclusion before theyҀve had a chance to have a Ӏbeing.Ԁ TheyҀre asked to define themselves before theyҀre capable of doing so, bringing on a crisis that challenges their sense of who they are. When Lester Burnham is asked by a consultant to write out a job description (read Ӏcollege essayԀ) for himself he realizes his days at the magazine are numbered. Being forced to contemplate himself sends him over the edge. Asked to do so by colleges, adolescents struggle with the same angst and see the same blankness.
The college admission process tears adolescents out of an environment of relative certainty and throws them into a confusing arena that has no clear boundaries. They are suddenly asked to sum up their lives, to construct a consistent personhood they have yet to develop, and to consider themselves in the context of a larger world they have yet to fully understand. In the process they lose the authenticity of simply ӀbeingԀ who they are and become ӀperformersԀ of parts they have not yet fully developed. Like nearly all the characters in American Beauty, they must present artificially constructed lives to the world, rather than their own realities, in order to be ӀsuccessfulԀ: LesterҀs wife Carolyn is a real estate agent who has to psych herself up to meet clients (ӀI will sell this house today!Ԁ) and ӀperformԀ for her biggest rival; Ricky, the boy next door, pretends to be Ӏan upstanding young citizen with a respectable jobԀ so he can carry on his profitable drug dealing; RickyҀs father disguises his attraction to men with a brute military bearing; and so on. Even high school girl Angela (Mina Suvari), who seems in touch with her sexual power and even her reputation as the school ӀslutԀ is only playing a role to disguise her insecurity. (Anecdotally, IҀve noticed that college freshmen are often attracted to the works of Ayn Rand. I used to wonder about that until I realized that RandҀs exaltation of individual identity and fidelity to oneself is the perfect antidote to the Sartrean dilemma.)
The Dilemma of Being Looked At
All of these characters, like our adolescent college applicant, are caught in Ӏthe GazeԀ of others, another element of existential anxiety. Consciousness of the ӀOtherԀ prevents us from having genuine interactions, whether those others are potential home buyers or admission officers. Becoming subject to Ӏthe Gaze,Ԁ of the college admission process, adolescentsҀ ӀpersonhoodԀ is disfigured. No longer able to be Ӏauthentic,Ԁ they create a shell for those Others, becoming ӀobjectsԀ and not authentic persons.
Sartre illustrated this quandary in Being and Nothingness. He describes a man peering intently through a keyhole at some (presumably salacious) activity in the room beyond. His intense curiosity focuses his entire being on what heҀs doing׀he has no consciousness of his ӀselfԀ but simply is that self. For those moments he is entirely ӀauthenticԀ (think of how we feel when we are completely involved in an activity we love). Suddenly, however, the man hears footsteps in the hall. He becomes conscious of another person as well as himself spying on the roomҀs occupants and now sees himself acting as well as actually acting. He is embarrassed, aware of the implications of what heҀs doing, worried about the other personҀs reactions to what heҀs doing, and so on. He stumbles as he rises, straightens his clothes and tries to act ӀnormalԀ but has lost the ability to do so. Even the phrase Ӏtrying to act normalԀ implies that he canҀt really be his normal self. To the inadvertent observer (the Gaze), the man at the keyhole is Ӏacting,Ԁ not Ӏbeing.Ԁ His equilibrium has been upset and he cannot function as Ӏhimself.Ԁ He is torn from his personhood and left in a kind of purgatory of uncertainty.
Looking for the ӀGenuineԀ Applicant
The college admission process has become those footsteps, seriously undermining adolescentsҀ sense of self by demanding that they ӀactԀ instead of Ӏbe.Ԁ Students submit to the Gaze and twist themselves in knots under its power. It causes adolescents (and those with a stake in their success) to forsake their ӀauthenticԀ selves in order to create a persona that will be acceptable to those mysterious observers. This situation gives rise to a particularly poignant irony: Colleges, saying they want ӀgenuineԀ or ӀauthenticԀ students, guarantee that they will get exactly the opposite. The stage is set for the artificially enhanced super-student who feels compelled to do whatҀs necessary to gain admission to a particular school or group of schools instead of doing what engages him and insisting that colleges judge him accordingly. Their lives become ӀconstructedԀ instead of organic, less and less in touch with a reality they can readily recognize. By the time they are accepted to college theyҀre living a life like Lester and Carolyn BurnhamҀs, Ӏan advertisement for ourselves,Ԁ and not a reality.
Holding Yourself Together
High school students thus become ӀinauthenticԀ at an early age, a situation Sartre also calls living in Ӏbad faith.Ԁ They not only have to develop their identities, they have to be aware of themselves doing so. Appeals to Ӏlive in the momentԀ and Ӏenjoy what youҀre doingԀ in order to be accepted by a college fall on deaf ears because they know they need to do certain things and not others to Ӏsucceed.Ԁ Is it any wonder that cynicism and ironic detachment follow? Students have succumbed to the power of the Gaze and in doing so have sacrificed their authentic lives. Worse, adolescents often end up negating their own being and desires to achieve something that may or may not be in their best interests. This is more than just doing what oneҀs parents want, itҀs an active denial of oneҀs one authentic existence. Knowing all this on some level, they become like Lester at forty: cynical, sarcastic, and unable to inhabit themselves fully.
In the process of acting for others rather than being for themselves, adolescents also become dependent upon the Gaze because itҀs what holds them together. Applying to college implies that there is a meaning to what theyҀve done so far in life, yet dependence on the Gaze turns them into people who cannot embrace the freedom to explore, discover, and take chances. They become objects, subservient to the will of others, just as the servant at the keyhole is subservient to the one who discovers him, and therefore unable to truly Ӏbe themselves.Ԁ Lester BurnhamҀs slavish obsession with the adolescent AngelaҀs ӀGazeԀ is an adult case in point: His attraction to her and his consciousness of her consciousness of him permanently disables his ability to act rationally, leading to his death at the end of the film.
The Process and Its Products
Students going through this process think less about authenticity than they do about being accepted and looking good to admission deans. Yet it does several things that are antithetical to healthy adolescent development: It creates a situation where oneҀs ӀselfԀ must be defined before it has been truly developed. It also puts that ӀselfԀ at the mercy of others, forcing the adolescent to create an artificial rather than authentic self, leading to a feeling of acting rather than being.
We wonder why there seem to be more problems on college campuses with binge drinking, casual sex, studying, and relationships in general. While one canҀt blame the college admission process for what is largely part of a social and cultural phenomenon that crosses many boundaries, one can see the whole process as a shock to the system: Adolescents previously fully involved in creating their own being are suddenly asked to create a ӀbeingԀ that can be gazed at before theyҀre ready. This acute self-consciousness, like that of the man at the keyhole, deforms their ability to behave unselfconsciously. They arrive at college not having a sense of themselves as integrated individuals, but as constructs that hold together only as long as they are Ӏseen.Ԁ As a result, they look for ways to assert themselves meaningfully, to fill the emptiness of that construct. Unfortunately, that includes surrendering to the intensities of sex, drinking, drugs, and dangerous ӀextremeԀ behavior, all of which can be seen as attempts to re-experience a time when each moment was unique and for them alone. Thinking again about American Beauty, one can see how the sudden realization of emptiness, of having lived for the Gaze instead of for oneself, might put adolescents on the brink of despair. Deprived of a meaningful life in high school, they try to fill the void and reestablish that meaning, a situation Sartre and Lester Burnham understood all too well.
Monday, December 3, 2007
The Parental Overinvolvement Quiz
ItҀs only natural for parents to be part of their childҀs college selection and application process: YouҀre paying for it, after all, and this is a climactic moment in your offspringҀs life. ItҀs also one of the visible results of primary and secondary education. With few rituals left to mark the passage from childhood to adulthood, the process enables your child to relish this significant moment in the safety of home and school, with guidance from you, teachers, and counselors. In important ways, itҀs also a test run for college and life itself.
But this American walkabout often suffers from too much parental involvement. At a time when a child should be taking the reins and learning to direct his or her own life, parents can unwittingly short circuit the process. They see this moment as theirs instead of their childrenҀs, or in the name of ӀhelpingԀ or Ӏpreventing mistakesԀ they take over, situations that can cause a great deal of conflict and ill will as a child heads into the future. Anyone who has been through it knows the signs: increased mumbling and eye rolling, dark looks, eruptions at the dinner table, and a refusal even to say the word ӀcollegeԀ or fill out applications.
But there are ways to tell if youҀre doing too much and need to back off. Below is a short quiz to see if youҀre letting go or holding on.
1. Do you say, ӀWeҀre applying to collegeԀ instead of ӀJohnnyҀs applying to collegeԀ?
2. Do you insist that your child apply to your alma mater or other college of your choice regardless of his/her interest in it?
3. Do you look forward to telling friends at cocktail parties where your child is applying?
4. Do you let people know your childҀs GPA, standardized test scores, and other personal information?
5. Are you planning college visits with little or no input from your child?
6. Do you ridicule your childҀs college choices because he/she clearly doesnҀt know whatҀs good for him/her?
7. Do you know more than your childҀs college counselor does, even if you havenҀt applied or been to a college in 20 years?
8. When you have college conversations with your child do you talk more than listen?
9. Do you insist on scouring rankings lists for ӀbestԀ colleges rather than listening to what your child wants?
10. Do you lose sleep worrying that your child will go to a Ӏno nameԀ college?
11. Do you talk about your childҀs talents/gifts/abilities or lack thereof to others with him or her present?
12. Do you (or a surrogate) do all the college research, all the calling, and all the typing of request letters and applications?
13. Do you make admission interview appointments for your child?
14. During college visits, do you ask questions for your child or otherwise take center stage?
15. Do you worry that you havenҀt done enough as a parent to ensure that your child gets into a ӀgoodԀ college?
16. Do you prod your child, even as application deadlines approach, to join more clubs or take up exotic activities like bungee jumping or spelunking?
17. Do you insist that your child begin taking honors or AP courses even if he or she has never taken them in the past, and do you berate school officials if they think thatҀs not a good idea?
18. Do you see college as a reward for your efforts at raising a child?
19. Do you see college as a judgment of those efforts?
20. Do you interpret your childҀs college choices as a comment on you as a parent?
21. Have you read all the college guides, getting-into-college guides, secrets-of-getting-into -college guides, and "how to" books about essays, tests, and everything else?
If you've answered "Yes" to any of these questions, it's time to pull back and take stock because you're taking control of something that should belong to your child. Allowing him or her to take the driver's seat in the college process is like, well, letting him or her take the driver's seat. You can't do it for your child; at some point your offspring has to drive alone. You may panic that he's not taking that corner properly or she's changing lanes too quickly, but true knowledge and independence, not to mention maturity, only come with experience. If your child is resisting college planning, perhaps you're pushing too much' he may want to take his own time and make his own plans.
Naturally, you need to keep an eye on things, but stay in the passenger's seat; don't try to grab the wheel. Make suggestions, keep the nagging to once or twice a week, and remember that, overall, the college process is actually a lot more forgiving than driver's ed: despite the panic over early admission and "regular" deadlines in November and December, many colleges have deadlines that run into February and even March. Now, it may be difficult, but you may want to acquaint your child with the idea of being responsible for her/his actions, if you haven't already done so: Late applications can mean being shut out of a college or being last to be considered for financial aid. But put the responsibility on your child, don't do applications for him or fill out forms for her. Be resolute and insist that your child do the work. In the long run, this will be much better for your child's development and your long-term relationship.
Remember, itҀs your childҀs future at stake here, not yours. Give him or her the power to make decisions, even to make mistakes, with your support and guidance, not your direction or judgment. Take a virtual vacation and ӀreturnԀ only when an application check needs to be signed or youҀre asked for advice. Let your child feel the thrill of controlling his or her own destiny. Above all, parents, enjoy this moment of watching your child begin the process of becoming an independent, well-adjusted adult. YouҀll be glad you did.
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